Today was uneventful. I almost always veg out on weekends.

What a difference a day makes

Wow. So you know that female co-worker I've been talking about? Well, let's just say I don't hate her that much anymore. What happened was that I overheard her say something that she thought I wouldn't be able to hear. I don't want to repeat what she said, but it was very, very flattering to me. I guess what she doesn't know is that I need to hear things like that if I'm going to stay friends with someone. But at the same time, I can't make someone say nice things to me. Bottom line -- we're cool.

Today was actually not so bad. I felt refreshed, which is nice. I did do something evil this morning. :) The woman I was talking about yesterday said good morning to me, but I ignored her. I don't know, I just feel this urge to punish her somehow for liking the other dude, but not me. I'll keep doing it, I don't care. Not saying hello to someone isn't a crime.

Down

Today was really awful. Class was fun, but I was emotionally down for the rest of the day. At work, two of my co-workers were pretty darn close to making public displays of affection. It was nauseating. I should explain -- I briefly dated the female co-worker, but she eventually turned me down. No sweat, I'm used to that by now. But my group recently moved to a different office. Long story short, she's openly flirting with a guy in the new office who not only has a girlfriend, but who also is quite literally half her age. Good for her, I suppose. I have no problem with other people flirting. It's good for your health, I hear. What makes it painful for me is that I used to like her, but she obviously behaves much differently when the new guy is around than when I'm around, as if he's some kind of Adonis, and I'm chopped liver. She laughs a lot more and generally seems much happier. The contrast is stark. I am happy for her -- it's just that one day, I wish I could be happy for me.

Ten Years Later

Wow, it's over ten years later, and I'm back. I didn't realize this page still existed and was getting pageviews. I'm still around. I'm in my 40s now, and I recently decided to start posting here again, at least for a short while, just to see how I feel about it.

I have no recollection of anything I wrote here, and I don't have time to reread any of it, so I'm just going to jump in. Some things have changed, while some things haven't. When you think of a guy in his 40s, you might imagine some kind of middle manager with a wife, two kids, and a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence. Nope, none of that.

I guess the biggest change is that I decided to go back to school. I earned a Masters degree, and now I'm working on a PhD. I'm also working two jobs at the same time, so I'm keeping myself busy. At one of my jobs, I work as a research assistant, and I can say without hesitation that it's the most fun I've had at a job in my life.

In other news, my social life is still nonexistent. I forget how much I divulged here before, but I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I can't speak for other people who have personality disorders, but for me this disorder has been quite the curse, almost a death sentence. The only way I've been able to keep on living and stay sane is to believe that I was meant to be a hermit.

Today was pretty exhausting. Work and school leave little time for anything else. I find it difficult to believe that anyone can live such a solitary life against their will and be happy about it. Right now, posting on this blog is the only way I have of letting anyone know how my day went, for example, which is something I'm pretty sure most people take for granted. If someone were to go back in time and tell me as a kid that I would be still unmarried in my 40s, and that I would spend most of my life alone up to that point, I would never believe it. Alas, I guess such things happen.