Sex Is Always On My Mind (well, pretty much)

There's something else I wanted to write.... I've been dying to tell this to somebody, but I guess writing it is the next best thing. It's kinda silly, but I don't care. My top five happiest moments of the past twelve months have all taken place in the subway! In chronological order:

One
One day I was on my way into the train station when I saw a man and a woman talking to each other. They both looked to be in their forties. What I noticed was strange about this situation was that the woman was speaking Spanish, but the man spoke English and only had a very rudimentary knowledge of Spanish. The woman kept saying, "Cuarenta y dos? Cuarenta y dos?" but the man couldn't understand. They were standing by the entrance, so when I approached, the woman started speaking to me in Spanish. Luckily, and much to my surprise, I understood her question. She wanted to know which entrance to take to get the train that goes to 42nd Street. I answered, "Aqui," which means "here". Haha! Woo-hoo! I'll be damned, but my high school Spanish class actually paid off in real life! She was satisfied and grateful. The man said to me, "Oh, 42nd St.! I kept on thinking that she was saying four, four something, and I was trying to remember how to tell her how to get to the #4 train from here in Spanish." I was beaming for the rest of the day (and quite some time after that!).

Two
I was sitting on the train. There were enough people on the train so that all the seats were taken, but no one was standing. A young couple sitting directly across from me asked me if I could take their picture for them. I did, and they thanked me. Now, this may not sound like such a big deal, but in my head I told myself that they asked me because I looked the most approachable of anyone else in the vicinity, even though they actually may have just picked me randomly. I still felt good. :)

Three
I was sitting in a mostly empty train. When the train was stopped at one station, I noticed a woman (who happened to be very attractive -- tall and blonde, my favorite) walk in and ask a guy sitting by the train door if this train stops at such-and-such station. The guy shifted around in his seat for a while, but didn't answer. He acted as if he didn't even acknowledge her presence (which is not uncommon in the city where I live, since it can be dangerous). There were about half a dozen people in her vicinity who didn't answer her either, so eventually I said to her, "No, it doesn't." I was over ten feet away. She said, "It doesn't? Thank you!" and quickly walked off the train. Don't forget, normally I'm scared to death of talking to a person who's right in front of me, let alone someone over ten feet away in a room with people. So I ended up feeling good about myself (but I'm sure her being pretty hot had something to do with it ;) ).

Four
I was standing on the platform at a train station waiting for the train. A woman who was absolutely gorgeous asked me for the time, and I gave it. She was asian, and she had beautiful long hair. I don't remember, but I think my jaw was open when I was telling her the time. :)

Five
I was sitting on a bench at another train station when another beautiful lady walked by and asked me for the time. When I told her, in the cutest voice she said, "Really?" as if she were surprised, and then thanked me and walked away. She was tall and pretty, and her voice was just the icing on the cake.

Ahhh subways...

...peeking out from under my shell...

Hello, world... For better or worse, I'm still around. I haven't forgotten about this blog. In fact, often I feel embarrassed by some of the things I wrote here in the past. But as I stated in the beginning, this is still a journal of my thoughts and feelings, and as such everything I've written so far is valid. They may not depict me as a completely sane person :), but they still reflect the thoughts and feelings I had at the time.

One reason I haven't written so much is that -- and this is probably a good thing -- the path my life has taken no longer matches the dark and depressing tone I initially intended here. I think one way of saying it... is that I've kind of mellowed out a little. I still think about suicide -- I could still blow my brains out later today, for example. I guess that may really never go away. It reminds me of the movie A Beautiful Mind, one of my favorites, where Professor Nash's imaginary people are still there even when he's old and gray, but he has still managed to live a fulfilling life.

I really haven't found anything in my life recently that's been gloomy or depressing enough to write about. I finished that DBT class I was taking by October of last year. Afterwards, I started to participate in generic group therapy. November was catastrophic. I made the mistake of switching off Medicaid insurance to an HMO, and the therapy I was getting wasn't covered. So I had to disenroll, but it took about a month, and for that entire time I was without any kind of psychiatric help. Now that I mention it, that period was gloomy enough to write about, but I still didn't write because I (and nobody else, ostensibly) cared about this blog. Eventually, I got my Medicaid back, and that brings me to today. Most recently, thanks to some pushing by my therapist, I got myself to sign up for a bookkeeping class last month at a local continuing education school. Last night was week three of twelve. I've felt a little better because of the class -- more engaged, something to look forward to.

And that's it. I still don't have a job, and I still don't have any friends (except of course, loyal Prof. Greenber, my parakeet. I don't remember if I mentioned that Suchashakti died some time ago. Oh well, they're just parakeets.). To me, that's more than enough for me still to want to cash in on a one-way ticket out of existence. But for now, I'm still hanging around.