... Or A Few Months

Well, it's been a really long while since I last wrote anything. Sorry about that. Actually, I once had a five-year span where I only wrote about two or three times in my journal. This is significant, since I used to write in my journal almost every day since I was 18. Since then, it's been more hit-or-miss -- many times my motivation to write would dwindle to zero.

And that's how it was over the past few months. So, I have to say that from now on, I'm probably not going to write as regularly as I used to. I know that blogs that update frequently are probably better than those that don't, but I'm pretty much out of things to say. Everything I said since the beginning is still true. Not much in my life situation has changed. I'm still miserable, and life is still definitely not worth living. I've pretty much spent the past few months like a human vegetable.

A few small things are probably worth mentioning. A while back, I mentioned that I was supposed to undergo ECT. Well, my psychiatrist noticed a slight improvement in me after I started taking Adderall, which is a medication I had never tried before. So, the ECT is on hold for now. If you ask me, yes, there's a slight improvement, but I'm not exactly doing handstands.

I've finally managed to start doing a better job of managing my diabetes. I'm doing these annoying finger sticks every day like a good soldier, and I'm actually taking the pills I'm supposed to take every day more often. It's a very very small step, because I'm also supposed to be watching what I eat and exercising, but right now I get overwhelmed just thinking about that. I don't remember how much I've written about this before, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, but I've been overweight for nearly all my life, and I guess it's only now that I'm older that my physical health is paying the price. But it's not like I just recently decided to stuff my face and sit on my ass all day -- I've almost always been like this, including since I was a child. I managed to lose over 40 lbs. twice in the past, but I did so only by going on these agonizing starvation diets and exercising every day and at every opportunity. I learned (the hard way) that this never works in the long-term because the moment you stop dieting and exercising, you go back to your normal habits, and the weight inevitably comes back. It's basically yo-yo dieting. For me, whenever I go on any diet, I can't help but feel like I'm depriving myself, either by my choice of food or by the quantity. What I need to do is permanently change my habits, and right now that just seems like too much. To do something permanently, to me, means more or less to do it for the rest of my life, and I can't see myself making any change in my diet or exercise for the rest of my life. To make matters worse, my doctors don't seem to pay any attention when I tell them this. Most of them say, "It doesn't matter, you still have to lose weight." Hmph. I guess that's true, but it doesn't make me feel any better. It'd be a lot easier if I thought my life was worth it.

Incidentally, I've also learned a little lesson about the things that people say to me (or to anyone, for that matter). I used to be very sensitive (and still am) to comments people make to me. Even though they may only be trying to be helpful, I used to feel hurt about the way they phrased what they said, or I would imagine that were certain implied criticisms in their statements. I believed this because if they were in my shoes and truly understood how I felt and where I was coming from, they wouldn't say the things they say. I still believe that's true, but I've come to understand two things: 1) Even if my interpretation of what others say to me is hurtful or critical, that may not be their intent. (This is probably something most people learn in kindergarten, but hey, better late than never.) 2) Being understood by someone else, at least to me, is really a luxury. So, instead of expecting to be understood by others all the time, I'm trying to be more accepting of times when I'm not understood. (A lot of conflicts between people are due to misunderstandings, anyway.)

And so life goes. Until next time.